the journey of a butterfly

khaliah's journey with sjs/ten


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What doesn't kill you...

By Khaliah, Aug 4 2014 07:28PM

That old saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is a LIE.

At least it is for me. What didn't kill me made me angry...






Scared. also made me something else...

So here I am. Once AGAIN. At the all too familiar "why am I alive again?"

The truth is...I absolutely hate where my life is right now. I am 24. I'm single. I live at home with my mother. I'm not working. Meanwhile all my friends are doing exactly what I wish I was doing right now. SURE, I could go on and on about how great it is to have this new found appreciation for life because of what's happened to know that I am a miracle...blah blah FREAKING blah...but that would be me being fake. Not that all those things aren't true, but there is DEFINITELY more to the story. It's easier being the one inspired than it is being the inspiration.

As if being 24 is not complicated enough in it of itself, I am having to deal with losing my independence, which reaaaaaaally rattles my chain. Before this happened, I felt like I was in control of my life. I knew exactly what I wanted to do and how I was going to get there and I didn't need anyone else's help. Maybe this is when someone people would say I am too prideful, but let me explain something.

I have been hurt. A lot. Mostly by other people. And when you've been hurt by a lot of people, you're heart learns to trust no one. And where there is a hurt, there is a wound. And if anyone knows anything about wounds, it's me. I spent months watching my wounds heal and it is a SLOW process. The deeper the wound, the longer it takes to heal. But some wounds, are emotional wounds, and in my opinion, those can sometimes be worse than physical wounds. Physical wounds go through a regeneration stage. And it's going to close and heal. The body won't allow you to walk around with a gaping hole. So in a sense, physical wounds aren't as difficult to heal as emotional wounds. Now I would never say that to a gun shot victim, but I would also not tell someone who is suffering from depression that their pain is somehow less. It's hard having a wound that no one can see. Because you tell yourself that you should "just get over it". As if it were that simple.

But what if we started treating our emotional wounds just like we treat our physical wounds? When you have a physical wound, they tell you to keep pressure off of it, keep it clean and keep it elevated. What if we took the pressure off of our emotional wounds, kept our minds clean and kept our heads elevated? Instead of minimizing VERY REAL wounds...wouldn't it make more sense to prioritize healing them in the best way possible? When I was waiting on my flesh wounds to heal, I wanted to do everything I possibly could that would make the heal just a little faster. So what does this mean for emotional wounds? This means not pretending that the emotional wounds don't exist. It means speaking truth to yourself. This means keeping your emotional health environment clean and healthy. This could mean eliminating people or things that make it harder for you to heal. Or it could mean doing more of the things that promote your healing. For me, it's spending time with people who let me be exactly what I am at the time. Whether it's sobbing or laughing...twerking or ranting. It's also finding time to do the things that truly replenish my soul. Because another thing I have learned is that when life takes a lot out of you, you have to find something that puts life back in you. Much like a bank account. If all you're doing is withdrawing, at some point you are going to be in the negative. And ain't nobody got time for overdraft fees!!!!

So what else did SJS make me? A fighter. I've always believed I was a lover, not a fighter. But SJS has taught me, more than anything that I am a fighter. I fight for what I want. For what I love. And for what I need. And right now, I need to prioritize healing my emotional wounds. Some of them are from SJS. Some of them are deep. Some of them are 20 years old. And how can I expect to move past all the hurt if I never let the wounds fully heal?

And yes, for the record, I am stronger. But that strength came from learning how to pick myself up and fight again AFTER the K.O. The strength didn't come from having SJS. Ironically, SJS made me very, very weak. Both physically and emotionally. But learning how to live with what almost killed you and continuing to fight when all you want to do sometimes is give up, THATS what makes you stronger!

Mar 25 2015 07:30AM by Emily

This could have been my own journal entry a year ago, only it was about Bipolar 1 instead of SJS. Glad we've got the fight in us!

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