the journey of a butterfly

khaliah's journey with sjs/ten


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By Khaliah, Jun 16 2014 03:49AM

I canNOT wait for this week to be over. I am so looking forward to a fresh start next week because LORD knows this week almost defeated me. Today was hard for lots of reasons. But mainly because it is Father's Day. This day is always a hard day, but for some reason this year it was just extra sucky.

Most of you know my story when it comes to my father but in case you don’t here’s a quick synopsis.

He is a non-existent part of my life and has been for the last 23 years. I spoke to him a couple times a year and I hadn’t seen him in 10 years before I woke up from being sedated. I have waited my whole life for my father to make an effort, validate his love for me...basically just to show up. I have serious “daddy issues” and I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy and abandonment my whole life because of it. The end.

I’m sure you are wondering if he has always been MIA, what’s different about this year? Well. As I mentioned before, I hadn’t laid eyes on my father since I was 14 years old before I got sick. The last conversation we had before I got sick was “I never want to speak to you again and I don’t care what happens to you.” And although he came to the hospital and stayed for a few weeks, he rarely spoke to me. It’s weird and it doesn’t make any sense and I try to convince myself that his presence there was merely another figment of my drug induced imagination.

So today, I woke up sad. Already down because of everything else. I realized I have spent my whole entire life waiting. Waiting for my father to care about me. Waiting to move out and get away from my crazy family. Waiting to feel better about myself. Waiting to graduate. Just constantly waiting. This ordeal has been nothing BUT waiting. In the hospital it was waiting to get my trach out. Waiting to get my feeding tube out. Waiting to go home. Waiting on EVERYTHING. And even out of the hospital, it's been waiting to get stronger. Waiting to walk better. Waiting on my hair to grow back. Waiting on my eyelashes and eyebrows. Waiting on my vision to improve. WAITING, WAITING, WAITING.

Confession: I HATE WAITING. I want things to get better NOW. This has always been a thorn in my side. I never want to wait on God's plan, because His timing is NOT the same as mine. I want to go with my plan because I control when my plan starts. And even though 99% of the time my plan fails, I stil have issues with this waiting thing.

So needless to say, I was spent. DONE. I lost it. I yelled. I cussed. I got really mad. I came home and cried. And now I am letting it all out because I am done with today. I am leaving all of this week’s worry and sadness at the feet of Jesus. There is nothing I can do about it. It is, what it is. I am praying that God will put lots of band-aids over my heart and help me find the blessing. I hate when I get like this because I feel like I am not making Him proud. And that’s really all I want to do. But lately I have found myself feeling oh so human. Reacting instead of waiting. But I am hoping He sends me lots of smiles in the next few days. Because I am aching to smile again. I know I have a lot of reasons to smile, I just wish some of my reasons to frown would go away.

So for now, I will just wait. Wait…and wait…and wait some more.

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