By Khaliah, Aug 22 2014 04:05AM
I've always been somewhat of an "independent" and "self-willed" person. When I was a child, I learned to walk when I was 10 months old...probably because I was tired of waiting on everyone else to take me where I wanted to go and I wanted to get every where and any where...by myself! I'm not entirely sure what my first words were but they were probably something along he lines of, "let me do it!" I think I developed a need to be in control of everything that affected me at a very early age. This hasn't always been a bad thing...it has kept me out of a lot of trouble at times. However, this somewhat set me up for failure when it came to trusting God and "letting" Him control where my life goes. (If you know Him, you will know why I emphasized the letting!
In the 5 months that I've been recovering since SJS, my life has been a roller coaster ride of amazing, heart melting, forever memorable UPS...and some earth shattering, pain stricken, heart wrenching DOWNS!! There have been SEVERAL days that I have found myself lying in bed until 8PM...literally not doing anything but worrying and....well worrying. It was an all consuming fire that I felt like I was trapped in. Everything I tried to do, never seemed to make it any better...except one thing.
In the last few months, I have spent MANY nights at one of my DEAR friends kitchen table...talking...praying...sometimes wallowing in all that has come with having SJS. Thankfully, my friend loves Jesus and does an AMAZING job of pointing me back to Him whenever I start spinning my wheels out of control and get lost in my overthinking! (SN: See...my problem is I THINK I'm in control...but really I just overthink every possible scenario so much that I find myself unable to come to a conclusion about anything because I start thinking about the WORST case scenario. It's a problem...I know.)
Anyways...so back to my story...so lately, my friend and I have talked a LOT about what it means to TRULY trust and rely on God. This may sound simple and easy to some people. But if I'm being honest, which I always am, this is one of THE most difficult things for me! And it doesn't make ANY sense to me why I struggle with this. Maybe because I have a lot of trust issues in my relationships that I can see, touch, and put my hand on. I think it's natural for us to associate our relationship with God that which is comparable to one with another human being. But I figured out that it's NOT! God is the only "person" in my life that knows EVERYTHING about me and yet He loves me more than I can fathom. He knows every stupid, selfish, thoughtless thing I have ever done and yet He still considers me to be precious ROYALTY! The other night, I found myself praying and asking God to show me why I can trust Him with my whole heart. And strangely I felt Him saying, "why do you have a hard time trusting?" And my answer was something along the lines of, "UHM MAY-BE because people will SAY you can trust them and then when you let them in and show them the REAL you, they break their promises they made when it was easy...hurt you...and eventually abandon you!" And then I found this,
"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:8
And then it hit me.
Ok...maybe I've heard this somewhere before but I have to make things seem like my own idea in order for them to have a lasting impact! LOL
But seriously...it dawned on me that GOD...is already in tomorrow! Me and everyone else has to go to sleep and wait for tomorrow, but HE is already there. HE already knows what is going to happen! The story is already written and HE is the writer AND the director! KHALIAH is just the actor!! So HELLO!!!!!?!!? Shouldn't I trust the One who already knows how the series is going to end!!??!!? DUUUUUHHHHHH!!!
OMG it was like...an epiphany. All of a sudden, EVERYTHING was starting to make sense. Ii should trust God simply because, God is the ONE area of my life that has NEVER changed, NEVER led to disappointment and He has ALWAYS come to my rescue!
And can I just say that power of prayer is REAL! I have been praying that He would turn my days around...to give me some time on the mountain top! And He has done just that! Another thing I was thinking about on my drive home tonight...that old saying "give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime" I have heard this a thousand times throughout my life but tonight I thought about it a little differently. If God just did whatever I wanted Him to do, gave me whatever I wanted, when I wanted it... I would become a spoiled-rotten bratty little princess, which we all KNOW I am not. And yes, there are times that He blesses me with exactly what I asked for, sometimes even with what I didn't ask for...but other times He chooses to TEACH me! He says, "Wait baby girl, I got something I want you to learn first!" And His lessons are labeled: love, peace, joy, mercy, grace, forgiveness and (my FAVORITE) patience!
I don't always understand His tactics...and yes sometimes I love up to my inner rebel child and I pout...but He has this amazing way of reeling me back in and showing me exactly why He did what He did, the WAY He did it.
Tonight I go to bed with a happy heart that is overflowing with joy. HOWEVER, I also know that know Satan will try his HARDEST to knock me down. But I am locked and loaded *click click* and ready for battle! As long as I keep my sword (or in my case, my GUN...guns are quicker! LOL) sharpened...I will be able to fight! And everything else, HE can handle! Because with trust, comes the end or worrying...and we ALL know I have done enough of THAT!
"Trust in The Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your path. " Proverbs 3:5-6