the journey of a butterfly

khaliah's journey with sjs/ten

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Me? Strong? UH. No. Try BLESSED.

By Khaliah, May 27 2014 02:04AM

Ok...so, throughout this ordeal, a lot of people have told me how strong I am. I always laugh when they say that because I have felt everything BUT strong during all of this. And TRUST ME, what little strength I did feel was 100% attributed to falling on my face and begging God to give it to me. Maybe I don’t see it because I know what goes through my mind every day…but truth be told,


I am MESSY and BROKEN right now.


I am WEAK and ANXIOUS at times.


I have cried more in the last 3 months than I have in 3 years! When I woke up and they told me what happened, I cried. When I realized all my hair was gone, I cried.. When my friends came to see me, I cried. When I realized I couldn't walk, I cried. When I left the hospital, I cried. EVERY time I look hard enough in the mirror, I cry. Crying has become my thing because…I don’t know what else to do!


There are times that I feel strong and there are times I feel like a wet noodle! But I want to make it very clear that the only reason this ordeal is different and I have held it together and kept moving forward is because of my faith in God. I decided to trust Him with my healing process and trust in His plan for my future. I know that sounds “churchy” but that is truly what differentiates this bad experience from other ones.


Many of my supporters and friends don’t know how all of this started. Last December, I reached a breaking point. I came completely unraveled. I reached the point of desperation. I was ready to end my own life and free myself of all the hurt and pain I’ve experienced. I felt like I was never going to be able to feel in control of my emotions and that I was just a sitting duck, waiting for the next horrible thing to happen. Basically, I was looking for the strength to keep going and when I couldn’t find it, I gave up. This is a classic example of what happens when we try to look for strength to keep going within ourselves and not Jesus. And this is why every other time that something bad has happened to me, I have come unglued. Not having anywhere to place my hope is how I found myself needing drugs to “fix” me.


Now let me tell you what I do know. I don’t fully understand why this had to happen to me and sometimes I think it would’ve been easier for God to take me. Everyday I think about what I would be doing if I had never taken that medicine. But what I do know is that God has used every bad thing that has ever happened to me to strengthen my faith, teach me something and bless someone else’s life.


Sometimes I wonder if that makes it worth it.


Initially, I say HECK NO! I almost died, my life was turned upside down and now I look like a freak!! Nothing good could possibly come from this! And honestly, I was livid in the beginning. I didn’t understand why God would allow me to survive tragedy, only for me to wake up in this mangled, broken body! But then I ask myself the more important question.


How does God want me to use this to glorify His name?


The minute I asked myself that question, I stopped thinking about myself and started thinking about Jesus. We forget that our purpose here on earth is not to be successful, make lots of money, get married, buy a house, (insert everything else we think life is about). Our purpose in this life is to love God and love people. That’s it. Everything else, is secondary.


What does that mean for me in this situation? It means choosing to love and trust God even though I don’t understand His plan sometimes. It means choosing not to be angry with the doctor who prescribed the medication that caused me to get sick. It means choosing to be a light for Christ instead of giving the people in my life a reason to question God’s faithfulness by being faithless. And I am NOT going to sit here and act like this is how I feel everyday. It’s not. Some days I choose to revert back to being a worrisome, anxious, hopeless human who is drowning in sorrow and gasping for air. But then I remember how far He has brought me. I think about all the things that could’ve gone wrong and I’m THANKFUL. I think about all the people I now know because of this and I am JOYFUL. It may not have been how I would’ve written my story but I am also the same person who was convinced I had no purpose, no one loved me and that I didn’t matter. So obviously I am in no position to take control of my life. So I’ll just stay in the backseat and let Jesus take the wheel because I have no idea where I am going and I am too stubborn to stop and ask for directions. ☺



2 comments
May 27 2014 12:04PM by Angela Desselle

This is absolutely beautiful. Sometimes we go through things and quickly forget about God. We forget that we are his child and our lives were already written out before we were even in our mothers wombs. I dont know why God chose you for this assignment my beautiful niece but you definitely have a purpose to fulfil. Someone out here is going to be restored just because of your YES to God. I love you and I will continue to encourage you.

May 27 2014 02:59PM by Nadine Wheat

Thank you for sharing your true feelings. Blessed yes you are, yet you have no idea how you are blessing others. I will make this more personal how you are blessing me, I can't imagine what you have been through and what you are going through I do know that every time I read something that either you or your mom has posted it gives me a different perspective of my situation. As a matter of fact I don't even look at me anymore when I think of you and your mom. I thank God for what He has done in your life and what He is doing and going to do! Your openness is blessing me in ways I can not explain, Thank you for sharing, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you and may God continue to Bless you abundantly and on purpose!

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