the journey of a butterfly

khaliah's journey with sjs/ten

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The Butterfly Blog

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I miss "old" Khaliah :(

By Khaliah, Jun 14 2014 03:43AM

My feelings are all over the place. One minute I'm smiling, the next minute I'm crying. What's wrong? Well...simply put...I miss myself!


That sounds psycho, but I promise it's not. I just really, really wish I looked like my old self again! I know I will get there one day....but I want that day to be today! I'm still not over the fact that I basically woke up to a new body overnight! I still dream in my old body, I see pictures of my old self everyday....and I feel like I am looking at a different person! It's weird because I am starting to sound like myself again and I am not as sick so I am doing more normal things again, but I am still not me! I am trying SO hard to like this person I see in the mirror, but she is different. She is amazing and she is strong, but she doesn't look like Khaliah.


Who knows when I will start looking more like myself again. But all I know is that I miss her. And I miss how my life was before SJS. I miss my house. I miss my cat. I miss going to work and being with my students. I miss being carefree. And I miss being pretty. I miss that more than anything.


Praying that He will help me find myself again. And that He will show me who I am in Christ.

5 comments
Jun 14 2014 04:04AM by Clara

I don't know if you realize how much of your inner beauty makes you beautiful on the outside too. Of course, I've only met you as the "now" Khaliah. But seriously, your countenance and bright spirit radiate from you like the sun. It's funny as I read this and feel pain for your pain, I am thinking, wow, what must that feel like to feel this way and miss the old version of yourself? And my only trouble identifying with it is this - having only met you as this Khaliah, and thinking of how beautiful you are and realizing the person you are is making you that way to all of us....wow. Just realize that for those of us who may not have known you then. You're an amazing, gorgeous person who is inspiring people every single day. Period. :) HUGS

Jun 14 2014 04:07AM by Star

Your not pretty ..... Your Beautiful...... I know this is a process and your going through it to help someone else...... Every time you feel unpretty look in the mirror at that beautiful young lady and remind her of her beauty.

Jun 14 2014 12:09PM by Vickie

My heart goes out to you, no one can know or understand what you feel unless they have experienced it. I do know that you have always been beautiful and you still are! SJS will not win over you because you ARE a conqueror. The person you were, the person you are now, and the person you are growing into are one and the same but each phase refines you like a work of art, God's art. Keep relying on your faith, friends, and family; you are loved beyond measure and nothing will ever change that! All the negative thoughts are an attempt to bind you, I rebuke that spirit in the name of Jesus! What the enemy has done to destroy who you are, God will perfect for His good. I LOVE YOU TO LIFE PRINCESS K!!! When you are down remember to look up.

Feb 27 2016 06:08PM by Sohbet

Thanks for sharing sohbet

May 10 2017 07:10PM by Susan Frammersberger

I can so relate to this post. I had SJS in 1994 and like you never heard of it before. I spent 2 months in ICU at Crawford Long melting from the inside out.Most horrible experience of my life. I know exactly what you are feeling. You look beautiful! Keep pressing on!!!!

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